How to be Resilient with Anxiety

Anxiety and overwhelm are exhausting. Yet many of us get caught in these stress loops on a routine basis. We feel hopeless to change.

If this is you, you are not alone. Some  ~50% of people feel work related stress on a daily basis, with women being more stressed than men.  In fact, stress is the reason around one million Americans will miss work today.

It got to the point where I finally realized I could not keep living with the anxiety I felt, and it only seemed to increase over time. I knew there had to be another way, and I found it. Now, I have completely transformed my relationship with anxiety and overwhelm. I want to share my transformation with you in the hope that you can apply some of this to yourself, to feel less triggered by stress and more be resilient and in control.

What anxiety looks like for me.

A couple times a year I would break down.

Now maybe not a clinical breakdown, but I don't know how else to describe the crippling anxiety, fear, and worthlessness I felt in these moments.

I was usually so ashamed and embarrassed that I rarely talked about them. If I did,  I only told those closest to me, and only when I was well past the breakdown. Which could be days or even weeks later.

When I wasn't in breakdown, I felt anxiety on a daily basis even when I wasn't at work. I had to sometimes resort to drinking to feel relaxation, or be completely distracted by other busy tasks such as cleaning.

What has changed.

I can't say that I never feel anxious or that I don't even breakdown.

  I'm certainly less susceptible to these moments, but it is my relationship to myself during anxiety, and my relationship with anxiety myself that is completely different.

I no longer make anxiety a problem.  I don’t make it mean less about me and my capabilities because I have it.

Even when I'm really in it, I can still sit back and watch it from afar and get curious about it.   I'm aware of the thoughts that lead me to anxiety and of how it feels in my body. 

As a result, I'm more resilient, able to recover quicker and grow each time I go through a particularly tough period.

What you can do

Believe you can change.

You can.  Your relationship to anxiety can change.

In order for you to do the other things on this list, you have to believe change is possible.  As Mel Robbins says, "No one is coming to save you".  You need to do this for yourself.

Get curious.

When does anxiety show up? What are you thinking in that moment, or right before? Are those thoughts really true, or likely to come true?

How does it feel in your body? Where is the feeling in your body? What are you doing when anxiety comes?

Find the pattern.

You'll notice the same types of things will run through your mind when you do this. You'll recognize patterns which is the first step to changing them.

Be Kind to yourself.

Be your own friend. Ask yourself what you need in this moment?  Think of a child in your life, or in your past, whom you love. How would you talk to them?

Talk.

To a friend. To a coach. To a therapist. Don't hide like I did. You create more shame for yourself and keep yourself stuck in those patterns. Having outside insight can help you see where you might not be thinking so rationally.

Reframe and Decide.

Once you see your patterns and stop beating yourself up, how you want you life to look and decide to intentionally change your thought patterns. How can you reframe the anxiety? What lessons can you learn? What would you like to feel instead?  Visualize yourself in the same scenarios that lead to anxiety, but feeling a sense of calm instead.

What it looks like in real life

Sunday, midnight. I can't sleep. Thoughts of work swirling around my head.

My partner wakes up and asks what wrong. In my explaining of all my worries and ever growing to-do list, I feel the paralyzing fear that occasionally accompanies my overwhelm. Soon I am  hyperventilating, with the words "I can't, I can't" escaping through sobs.  I eventually calm, I know I’ve been here before, I believe I can get through this.

The feelings start to arise the next day again.  I see it the whole time now. See it happening even if I can't get out of it immediately. I don't judge. I allow. I am compassionate to myself. I saw my pattern and stayed curious.

I know my pattern is to beat myself up. When those thoughts come (and they do), I practice my intentional thought…"No". This is how I reframe and interrupt my pattern. Not today, Not right now. I will not talk to myself that way.  I picture my niece, if I won't say it to her, I won't say it to myself.

Then I texted a friend to talk. A fellow coach. He walked me through visualizing my emotions and I could feel the intensity release. I called my sister. She said words of encouragement and helped me see the flaws in my worries and thinking.

I thought about the lessons and how this was a gift for me to recognize the patterns for the next time. I was curious and realized I wasn't practicing self care. I let my mind go on autopilot thoughts without questioning them. I delayed talking to someone and tried to push through work.

I know next time I'll catch my thoughts earlier, or call that friend sooner. I feel strong, confident.

In less than 18 hours I'm completely in control and anxiety is gone. I know next time it will take even less time. I know I'll go longer and longer without a breakdown. I'm hopeful.

What now.

Re-Read through the section on what you can do.

What is one thing you're willing to try the next time you feel overwhelm or anxiety? Can you look back on a recent time when you felt that way and visualize a different response?

Keep taking those steps. Celebrate them. Each one feels small, but before you know it your old habitual patterns of anxiety will shift. Like anything new, it just takes practice and persistence.  Don't give up.

I believe in you.